The Two Morons
by Samhoku
Summary: This is a story about myself and my sister in the Two Towers. The Fellowship of the Morons is the first one. We are not fangirls. Rated T for violence.
1. Chapter 1

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

Chapter.

"Gandalf!" Frodo yelled, sitting up from his nightmare.

Sam asked him something and Frodo muttered something in return. Veronica looked at the two hobbits and smiled a little. She felt bad for Mister Frodo, he was having bad dreams about Gandalf a lot. But Veronica hadn't been sleeping much better then him.

* * *

Samantha, Legolas, Gimili, and Aragorn where running across the field at a high rate. Gimili fell down the side of the thing and made a funny noise. Samantha laughed at him and seconds later she fell down.

Legolas grinned back at them and said, "Come on Gimili, Samantha, we are gaining on them!"

"We dwarves are natural sprinters! Very dangerous on short distances." Gimili said, sprinting and trying to keep up. Samantha gasped and weezed then followed him, falling and then catching her balance and stayed two or three steps behind the dwarf.

"They run as if their masters where behind them." Legolas said as if he where not even running.

Samantha stayed quiet and focused on her breathing, she was really starting to hate her asthma. Gimili looked at Samantha and asked, out of breath, "Are you alright, lass?"

Samantha nodded and gave him a grin, showing that she was a good sport.

Aragorn stopped and Samantha flew over his head, landing on her back, and making a funny oofing noise as Aragorn said, "The Leaves of Lorian fall." Legolas not Aragorn looked very concerned about Samantha.

Gimili stopped and helped the girl up, "Are you alright, lass?" He chuckled when Samantha nodded and jogged to catch up with the two taller men.

Aragorn looked at Samantha and asked, "What took you so long?" Then he went on his speech about an evil that lurked. Then they all hid behind a rock as the horseman went past them.

"Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?" Aragorn yelled and the horsemen turned and came towards them. Samantha eeped and hid behind Aragorn as they all came around them.

"What business does Elf, a Man, a Dwarf, and a Women have in the rivermark? Speak quickly!" The obnoxious man said.

"Give me your name horsemaster, and I will give you mine." Gimili said dryly and rudely.

Samantha face palmed and stayed behind Aragorn. Trust the dwarf to get himself killed.

"I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground." He snarled at Gimili.

"You would die before your sword fell!" Legolas said and pointed the arrow at the man.

Aragorn pushed the tip of the arrow down, "I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, this is Gimili son of Gloin and Legolas of the Woodlen relm and Samantha of Brandywine. We are friends of Rohan, and of Theodin your king."

"Theodin doesn't recognize friend from foe, not even his own kin." He took off his helmet and said, "My men remain loyal to Rohan, for that we are banished."


	2. Chapter 2

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

Chapter.

"We are hunting Orc, they took two of our friends captive." Aragorn said with a concerned expression.

The rivermark men looked at each other then Eomer said, "We caught the Orcs and slaughter them during the night."

"Two Hobbits! Did you see two Hobbits with them!"

"They where small, only children to your eyes."

"I hope none of you where stupid enough to kill them."

Everyone looked at Samantha and she started to wish she kept her mouth shut. She looked around and commented, "Wow, that was a weird phrase, I wonder where that came from?"

Aragorn sighed then looked at Eomer, "Forgive her, she has been running without food for quite a few days and without rest. I am pretty sure she is delusional."

Samantha grinned at Legolas, "Elf boy has pretty girl hair." She ducked when Legolas tried to whack her over the head. Normally he wouldn't even try to smack a girl, but she was being annoying.

"We gathered the carcasses and burned them." Eomer said quietly, hoping that they didn't unintentionally kill the small creatures. The creatures only sung about in old tales and talked about in prophesies.

* * *

"Frodo we are lost."

"No we are not."

"Men always say that."

"Sam, tell her we are not lost."

Sam sighed and looked at Veronica with a beaten puppy expression, "We are not lost."

Veronica huffed and looked around, "Oh, we're not are we? I think we are. This looks pretty much the same."

Frodo glared for a second then surrendered, "We are probably lost, but we have to look on the bright side!"

"There is no bright side in Mordor, Frodo. It is dark. No sun. No birds. Nothing. Not even snakes can live here." Veronica said gloomily, looking at her surroundings. She wasn't being very good for moral purposes.

Frodo rolled his eyes at Veronica and glared up at the girl, "You knew what I meant."

Sam followed along behind them, listening to them argue with an amused expression. He didn't like that Veronica annoyed Frodo so much, but he also did like it because that meant that Frodo would move faster.

Mixed feelings where natural with Sam. He always had them about Rosie, and often he had them about Frodo. Not in a romantic way, just in a friend way. Was he Frodo's friend or servant? Sometimes it was hard to tell. But always in the end he would remember that Frodo was definitely his friend.

It could be very confusing for such a small hobbit.

* * *

Samantha rode behind Aragorn and looked at the pile when they got there. Samantha walked back to the horse when Gimili found one of the elven belts and buried her face in its mane. She heard Aragorn scream when he kicked the helmet and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I kicked the blasted helmet and now I broke my toe! ARGHHHH." Aragorn yelled and fell over in agony before becoming distracted by the imprints in the ground, "A hobbit lay here. And another..." He went through the whole thing, following the imprints to the forest.

"Fangorn, what madness drew them in there?" Gimili asked with a slight awe and fear mixture in his voice.

After a little while they decided to dare enter the forest. As they looked around Gimili tasted the red on the leaf then spit some out, commenting in his harsh voice, "Orc blood."

Samantha was starting to remember this now. The hobbits would be safe with a giant tree that would go to battle. She heard a snap and everyone froze.

"The white wizard approaches." Legolas spoke in a mysterious voice that made Samantha want to laugh at him.

"Do not let him speak, he will put a spell on us." Aragorn said in a voice that held a trace of fear. When they all spun and threw their weapons at the wizard Samantha turned around slowly and watched with a non-concerned expression on her face.

"You follow in the footsteps of two young hobbits." The voice said.

"Where are they?" Aragorn asked with aggressiveness.

"They are safe." The voice said again.

"Who are you? Show yourself!" Aragorn said with a loud voice and took half a step forward, wanting to know who it was and why he hadn't hurt him yet.

Gandalf stepped out of the light and gave the man a kind smile.

"You fell."

"Through fire and water. I smote my enemy and left him on the mountainside." Gandalf said then he looked at Samantha, "Ah, I was hoping you where still here. Where is your sister?"

"Mordor, probably. With Frodo and Sam." Samantha commented, looking at her finger nails, "You don't happen to have an inhailer?"

Gandalf tossed her one and laughed at the surprised look on her face. She had needed this object for quite some time.


	3. Chapter 3

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

Chapter.

"This Gandalf is grumpier then the old one." Gimili commented when Gandalf used dry sarcasm. Samantha smiled and walked with the dwarf, happy that they had seen Gandalf. She sighed and looked over at the dwarf as they came out of the clearing, "We are free at last."

Gimili chuckled at Samantha's comment and patted the girl on the back, "Aye, lass, we are."

"That is one of the Miras, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell." Legolas said with confusion and awe. His awe was not misplaced. The stallion was beautiful and was showing off for them.

Samantha looked at the horse and then at Gandalf, "This is a beautiful horse, whoever gave him to you gave you a magnificent gift."

Gandalf made a funny face then smiled uneasily, "Um, yes, he was a wonderful gift." He mounted the horse then watched as Samantha scrambled up behind Aragorn.

As they road the Aderas(Sp?) Samantha looked around at everything, soon she was comfortable enough not to have Aragorn in a death grip. Aragorn was happy for the new found freedom that his lungs had.

As they got to the castle area they all walked in after the flag blew past them. The ropes hadn't been changed in a while, the castle must be falling into disrepair.

"You cannot come into Theodien King so armed Gandalf Greyham. By order of...Grima Wormtounge." The man said looking from one to the other. His eyes settled on Samantha and he made a noise of surprise, "A women travels among you? And not for entertainment?"

If looks could kill that man would be dead 5 times over. All of the men and Samantha where giving him the Impending Look of Doom. The man backed off right away and said, "May I have your weapons?"

Samantha made a huge show of pulling a knife out of her boot and giving it to him, making sure to send the message that she was armed and dangerous then she handed him her bow and bag of arrows.

"Your staff." The man looked apologetic as he addressed Gandalf.

"Oh...you would not part an old man from his walking stick?" Gandalf asked with a innocent expression. The guy shrugged then let them in, Gandalf winked at Aragorn, Legolas, and Samantha. Obviously this was a ploy, a very clever ploy.

"Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth, I did not travel all this way to meddle with some witless Worm." Gandalf said, waving his staff in front of him.

Grima backed up in obvious fear, "That staff! I told you to take away that staff!" He flinched away like a beaten creature.

Samantha stayed by Gandalf with Aragorn, making sure that no one would touch the wizard. Samantha was doing it totally on accident. She would fall and someone would trip over her then she crawled after the wizard as people tripped over her. Samantha winced every time, feeling a new place for her to bruise. One never knows in how many places you can bruise until you have been tripped over multiple times.

Gandalf cast Sauromen out of Theoden and Eowyn ran forward and caught her uncle, smiling when she saw that he was okay.

"Your fingers would find their own strength better if it could grasp your sword..." Gandalf had them present the king with his sword. Theodien took the sword then looked at Grima.

Today was not the Witch Doctor's day.


	4. Chapter 4

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

Chapter.

Aragorn stopped the king from killing Grima, much to Samantha's disappointment. She kind of wanted to see the scum die. Samantha made a disapproving noise and Legolas nudged her, telling her to be quiet.

"Where is Theodred? Where is my son?" Theodin said, looking around his forehead creased with deep concern. Samantha remembered this part. This is where Eowyn sang an odd song...She was glad that she wasn't invited to the funeral. Samantha and Gimili sat in the castle silently when Theodien and Gandalf came in with the two children. The boy was famished, eating fast. The girl was in better shape, the boy was a good brother and gave his sister his food.

"They where unarmed." Eowyn said everything else she said, only Samantha was too interested in her food. Gimili was interested in his and her food. He kept stealing pieces of meat out of her soup, causing him to get several glares from the girl. He knew she probably wouldn't whack him, especially since they where in the presence of small children.

"We make to the refuge of helms deep." Theodien said. Samantha's head snapped up and her eyes darted around blindly. She had lost her glasses somewhere along the way so all the fuzzy figures confused her.

They all got ready to go and Gimili made sure that Samantha stayed close by either guiding her by placing his hand on her back or taking her hand and leading her. Gimili was now like an older brother to Samantha, he protected her and she blindly (no pun intended) protected him.

When Gimili fell off the horse Samantha laughed at him, "You fell!"

Gimili said, ignoring Samantha, "Nobody panic! It was deliberate, it was deliberate."

Samantha was dozing on the horse, waking herself up with a snore every 10-15 minutes. Theodien occasionally looked at Samantha then he looked at Aragorn, "Can she sleep in any situation?"

"Believe it or not, she fell asleep while running." Aragorn said with a chuckle. He remembered that well because she fell down and they went for a couple miles without her and Gimili then found Gimili dragging Samantha by her feet.

Soon Aragorn and Eowyn where discussing Aragorn's lover. Samantha was awake for that and was making her hands mock them. When they would look at her she would pretend to be swatting at a fly.

"Wargs!"

"Eowyn, go with the children and women!"

"I can fight!"

"NO. No. Do this, for me?" Theodien said, a begging tone in his voice as his eyes emplored his niece.

Eowyn nodded then asked, gesturing to me, "Why can she fight?"

Theodien said dryly, "Because she is insane."

Samantha didn't appreciate that, but she would ignore it this one time.


	5. Chapter 5

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

Chapter.

Well, lets just say Samantha didn't do much fighting. It was mostly yelling, screaming, and terror. Which amused the evil little critters to no end. Aragorn started to wish that he had order her away with the women and children. The only help she was being was keeping herself alive. And screaming so loud that even the Orcs wanted her to stop.

Aragorn eventually got very irritated and ordered Gimili to stay close to the human girl. If she couldn't take care of herself then she would have someone assigned to her.

Samantha was trying to pull the dead critters off of Gimili. The poor dwarf made oofing noises each time she let the things go. They would roll back unto him and he would mutter a curse word at her. She apologized, "I am sorry! I am trying to get it off."

Legolas eventually stopped and watched as she struggled with the critter, looking thoroughly amused. Samantha slowly looked at the elf, "Can you please help me instead of standing there like a baboon?" Granted, she knew he probably wouldn't know what a baboon was. But that didn't matter to Samantha at the moment. Legolas stared at her blankly so she tried to explain, "A monkey?" Legolas shook his head then Samantha snapped, "Fine, a animal that sometimes looks like an Orc." Legolas looked offended then helped roll the creatures off. He looked around as Gimili called out Aragorns name.

Samantha crossed her arms over her chest and looked over the edge, looking for a body, "I don't see a body...maybe he only fell half way?"

Gimili, Theodien, and Legolas all looked at her as if she had lost her senses.

* * *

Veronica tried to grab the ugly Gollum creature off of Sam. So this is what it looked like: Gollum with hands around Sam's neck and Veronica with hands around his neck.

Frodo put the blade by Gollum's neck, "This is Sting, you've seen it before! Haven't you, Gollum."

Gollum made an awful wailing noise and wreathed on the ground as Sam placed the rope around his neck. Veronica exclaimed, "Well, for pities sake, Sam! He is not a dog!"

"If he acts like one he will be treated like one."

"That isn't a good way to think. See, in that way of logic you are being a jerk, so rightly I could treat you like one."

Sam ignored Veronica and dragged the poor creature behind him while yelling, "Every Orc in Mordor could hear this raket! I say we tie him up and leave him."

"No! That would kill us, kill us..."

"It would be no more then you deserve!"

"Maybe he does deserve to die, but now that I see him, I do pity him." Frodo said, watching the creature.

Veronica commented as she watched the pitiful creature rub his head on the ground, "He is going to get a few extra holes in the head if he keeps that up."


	6. Chapter 6

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

Chapter.

Gollum gave Frodo his undying love then promptly ran away. Veronica watched the creature with a shocked expression, "What on earth is it doing?"

"Running away, obviously." Sam said sarcastically. Man that hobbit was getting punchy. All the stress must be getting to him.

Gollum suddenly stopped and poked his head over the rock like the odd creature he was, "This way...Follow me!" He slowed down enough to allow them all to follow. Veronica wasn't sure if she loved or hated this creature.

* * *

When they all got to Helms deep Eowyn asked Gimili, "Lord Aragorn, where is he?"

"He fell." Gimili said in a broken voice.

Eowyn looked around for her father then almost collapsed when he looked sad as well.

Samantha muttered, "But I am okay. Lookie, I am alive. No one cares about poor little Samantha."

Gimili gave the girl a side hug, "You are like a daughter to me, lassie. I care about ya."

Samantha looked at the dwarf and said, "I can't see you due to my glasses being missing or I would kiss you on the forehead. But I might accidentally kiss you on the nose. And no offense, your nose is pretty dirty."

Gimili wrinkled his nose and gave her the evil eye. As they walked into the throne room and sat down not long after in came Aragorn, pushing the doors opened as if he where Rocky or something.

So Samantha did what a girl could do when he did that: Reaction 1: Hug him. Reaction 2: Hum the Rocky Music Reaction 3: Slap him.

Aragorn was stunned when all of these happened in order. He hugged her back, raised an eyebrow, then rubbed his face, muttering something about women.

Later Legolas and Aragorn made a funny joke about being late. Samantha looked at them blankly, not understanding elvish at all, "What? I can't understand you."

Legolas gave her an antagonizing smile, "That is why we spoke in Elvish."

"Wait...here is what you said, 'Aragorn, I love you. No more kissy face with Arwen.'" Samantha fluttered her eyelashes and laughed when Legolas made a disgusted noise.

Aragorn looked a little green and he backhanded Samantha in the forehead, making her laugh again, "Don't even suggest that EVER again."

Samantha grinned at Legolas and wiggled her eyebrows. When he tried to whack her she took off laughing and calling out to Gimili for help.

Aragorn looked at Legolas and they both shuddered with horror.


	7. Chapter 7

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

Chapter.

10,000 Orcs. Samantha promptly fainted. Everyone looked at her but didn't appear concerned. And more coming every day? That is enough information to give a soul a heart attack. The only person who was remotely concerned was Gimili.

Samantha was soon woken up by Legolas. He had waved a herb in front of her face until she woke up. It was Parsley. She ate it a lot and he knew it. Food was one of the few things that could wake this women out of a deep sleep.

Legolas dropped it on her face as she woke up. Samantha sat up and ate the Parsley, "Yummy." Everyone ignored her as she enjoyed her herb.

They started fortifying the Helms Deep. Samantha stayed by the Elf and the Dwarf. She was given a new pair of specks by a women who made them. The old lady gave Samantha a smile as they tried out several pair before they found some for her eye type.

"Honey, you are practically blind." The sweet women said with a smile.

"Thanks...I think." Samantha adjusted the glasses on her face then went to join the two again, "I can see!"

Legolas moaned, "Heaven forbid." He easily moved out of Samantha's way when she tried to take another whack at him.

Gimili chuckled as he watched them. Legolas was now like a big brother to Samantha. A very annoying big brother, but a brother nonetheless.

"This is not a rabble of mindless Orc these or Urikiah their Armor is thick and their shields broad."

"I know how to defend my own keep."

Samantha muttered under her breath, "Doing a jolly good job at it too aren't ya?"

Legolas covered her mouth when Thodien turned around. The elf gave him a bright smile and his eyes got big when the girl licked his hand. The minute the man turned around Legolas took his hand away, made a face, and swung his hand around. Clearly he was grossed out.

Samantha said helpfully, "Your skin tastes like salt. What do you do? Season your skin so it will taste good for the Orcs?"

Legolas was not impressed. He looked at the girl and glared daggers at her.


	8. Chapter 8

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

**My comments: Okay, so this chapter may be choppy because I can't remember what happens next.**

Chapter.

"Season your skin for the Orcs...indeed..." Legolas had been muttering that one phrase for quite some time.

"They say that it tis hopeless." The boy said, a distressed air in his voice.

"There is always hope." Aragorn said bravely, giving the kid a serious look.

Legolas was being the cheery gloomy person in the armory. Aragorn and him argued in elvish before Aragorn burst out, "Then I will die as one of them!"

Aragorn left when everyone stared at him. Legolas made a move to go after Aragorn and Gimili stopped him, "Let 'em go Laddie, let 'em be."

Samantha looked at Legolas and commented dryly, "Smooth move, Gloom Puss."

Legolas looked at her with a bewildered expression, "What is a gloom puss?"

Samantha looked at Gimili and the dwarf held in a laugh, the twinkle in her eyes saying that she just played the biggest joke, "You."

Legolas swatted at her head and she ducked, "Oh be silent."

Later Legolas asked forgiveness from Aragorn. The man forgave him and they gave each other the traditional Elvish Man Hug. Then they heard a horn and Legolas said in a demented and gleeful voice, "That is no Orc Horn." He went to go see and did the Man Hug again then let Aragorn give the elf dude a full out hug.

Samantha didn't know which to do so she did the ASL sign for hello. She proceeded to stand by Aragorn as they talked at Haldir. Samantha knew this elf man would die, but she didn't want to give that away.

They all lined up on the rooftops. Samantha couldn't help it and burst into song, "Up on the housetop raindeer fly up with good old Santa Clause..." Legolas and Gimili inched away from her, pretending like they didn't know her as some of the elves gave her weird looks.

After a while Samantha stopped and they stood next to each other.

"I can't see anything down here!" Gimili complained, hopping a little.

Samantha and Legolas exchanged an amused glance over Gimili's head and she did the ASL sign for short. Legolas didn't know ASL but he got the basic gist and held in a laugh.

Legolas looked down at Gimili with a smile playing at his mouth, "Shall I describe it for you? Or would you like me to find you a box?"

Gimili was quiet then laughed with a smile on his face, his eyes wrinkling at the corners.

The Orcs all lined up outside and Aragorn gave them the order to get ready. Samantha notched her arrow in her bow and put it up when everyone else did. Then it started to rain. Samantha muttered some British curse words under her breath and glared at the rain every once in a while. All of the sudden an arrow came out of nowhere and hit an Orc right between the eyes.

The war had started. The bloodbath had begun.


	9. Chapter 9

The Two Morons

By Samhoku

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. I have permission to use my sister and myself. xD**

**My comments: Okay, so this chapter may be choppy because I can't remember what happens next.**

Chapter.

Samantha had ducked under the wall and stayed by Gimili, "My name is Useless, what is yours?"

Gimili gave her a withering glare, "And why didn't you stay with the women and children?"

"SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE HAD ME TESTED FOR BEING INSANE!" Samantha screamed as an arrow wizzed passed her ear, "I AM GOING TO DIE!"

Gimili had to lean away from her, wincing at the pitch of her screaming, "Silence."

Legolas looked at an elf and the elf looked slightly disturbed by Samantha's behavior. Legolas looked at the girl and gently nudged her with his foot as he shot an arrow, "Get up, you are of no use down there."

Samantha stood up slowly and notched the arrow, "One question? Where am I shooting?"

"It is a small opening." Legolas explained everything else and watched to see what she would do.

Samantha aimed and fired, watching as the Orc went down, "Whew."

"Good, now just keep doing that and you will live."

"Thanks man. You are _So_ encouraging." Samantha said dryly, shooting at random Orcs and hitting 5 out of 10.

Legolas looked amused, not retaliating. He started counting Orcs, "One, two, three, four."

Samantha tried to throw him off, "Eighteen, Thirty-two, fifty-four."

Legolas stared at her in amazement, "You shot that many already?"

Samantha looked at the elf with a blank expression, "Huh?"

Gimili laughed when he realized what the girl had been doing, "Laddie, she was trying to throw your counting off."

Legolas gave Samantha the look of death then returned to shooting Orcs and counting. He hadn't forgotten how many he had killed, which disappointed the girl.

Samantha shrugged and counted how many in her head. The ladders came and they started to shoot at them. Samantha was about to then saw they where metal, she shot at a rope and sent it hurdling down. Gimili's eyes lit up as he realized what they needed to do now. He started chopping away at ropes, sending lots of Orcs hurdling towards the ground.

When the Orcs came on the battlements Samantha shot one more arrow then grabbed her curved blades, making sure to stay by Gimili. She knew the dwarf would have her back. As they fought she saw Legolas shooting several arrows in the same direction. Seconds later Gimili and Samantha where thrown into the air along with Aragorn. Samantha blacked out for a moment, struggling to breath from the impact of her back unto the ground.

* * *

"Seriously, what is wrong with Gollom? He seems to have multiple personality disorder." Veronica said, her voice very irritable.

"The Black Gate of Mordor!" Gollum shuddered and shrinked away, moaning and covering his ears. Veronica shot the critter a pitying look then they soon took the other way. They got to see Oliphants.

Faramier grabbed then with his other men. One of them grabbed Veronica then released her 5 seconds later, realizing she was a girl. Veronica crossed her arms over her chest and got up in his face, "You wanna go there, mr? Bring it on. I will punch you in the face, I am in no mood to be messed with! I am bleeding like all women do and I will not hesitate to punch you and rub your face in the dirt.


End file.
